Reflections on Early Motherhood & Our Healthcare System
Plus, a letter to my son
This is a post that I originally shared a few years ago on my other publication, but I’ve decided to share it again on this publication since it is more focused on motherhood and parenting. This is the first of several older posts that I will be sharing.
This week we went to the pediatrician’s office. And, unfortunately, it was far more stressful than we had hoped.
There wasn’t necessarily any “bad” news, but the conversation didn’t go as we had hoped.
Essentially, this particular pediatrician wasn’t really someone you could have a conversation with. There was a lot of being “talked at” and not a whole lot of room for any real discussion. There were things we wanted help and support on, but there was no room to have questions answered despite my many attempts to assert myself.
The communication breakdowns resulted in a lot of assumptions on the part of this doctor, which led to a lot of judgments and unhelpful recommendations.
I hate to say it, but this is something that I have experienced a lot throughout my pregnancy and early postpartum period.
And I have to say — I am absolutely fed up.
I’m fed up not only because of my own experiences from these last 11 months, but because, as a psychotherapist, I’m extremely aware that other people experience and have experienced this as well.
It’s stressful to experience it personally for 11 months straight, but when I’ve heard story after story of others experiencing it as well I become angry.
I become enraged.
I become fed up.
And it weighs so heavy on my heart.
Despite being a “healthcare provider” myself, I just have to say it to get it off my chest: Our healthcare system is failing us.
Nobody deserves to be talked down to.
Nobody deserves to be pathologized.
Nobody deserves to be fear-mongered into compliance.
Nobody deserves to be treated as if they are incapable of being an active participant in their own health and well-being.
Nobody deserves to be treated as if they are not knowledgeable enough to make their own healthcare decisions.
And, frankly, when we move into that territory — the territory where providers don’t talk to patients as if they are a fellow knowledgeable human being who is capable of making their own decisions — that’s very, very dangerous.
It’s inhumane.
And it’s beyond time for it to stop, because it’s doing more harm than good.
And so…
To anyone who has ever felt mistreated by a healthcare provider…
I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that.
To anyone who has ever felt like a healthcare provider wasn’t listening to you…
I’m sorry you didn’t deserve that.
To anyone who felt like a healthcare provider wasn’t respecting your own autonomy as a human being…
I’m sorry you didn’t deserve that.
To anyone who has felt pathologized by a healthcare provider…
I’m sorry you didn’t deserve that.
No one, ever, deserves any of that.
After all, if providers do not listen to their patients, how can they be of genuine help?
If providers do not value their relationship with their patients, then how can they help?
And if providers are not being of help, then what’s the point of their work? How can it still hold any value?
When we value profits and productivity more than we value our relationship to other human beings, that’s a very clear sign that we’re no longer serving humanity.
When how we relate to one another no longer matters, we’ve lost touch with our own humanity. We’ve become disconnected from what, biologically and physiologically, makes us human.
Despite all the noise from “out there”, with all kinds of opinions, assumptions and judgments.
Despite the noise that seems to constantly be trying to distract me from what is most important.
Despite the noise that seems to want to keep me so busy that it prevents me from doing what I naturally and instinctively feel called to do.
I’m choosing to slow down. Disconnect. And focus on the most important thing in every new human being’s development: Their relationship with their primary caregiver, their mother.
My little one,
It can be hard to hear you in the midst of all the noise. What I’m told may be “bad” or “wrong” about you. What I’m told may be “bad” or “wrong” about me. About what may or may not need “fixing”.
But when I completely unplug from all that noise, I can find moments to slow down and just be with you. And from that place I can hear your whispers.
To slow down.
To hold you.
To connect with you.
To just be with you.
To just listen and notice your subtle cues.
To let go of all the noise of what others tell me you “should” need or “should” be and to focus more on what it is you’re actually telling me you need and when you need it.
And to remember that, despite whatever anyone else has to say, that at the end of the day that’s all that really matters.
That, despite all the noise, my connection with you is what matters most.
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